I also love The Office. It is by far one of the most brilliant comedies and mockumentaries of our time. The following song is a fun mashup of The Office theme song, some voice over from Dwight Schrute, and the fun rhymes of hip hop stars Young Weezy and Lil’ Wayne:

Office Music (Clockwork Edit) (right click and download here)

(Source: Clockwork)

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

The Office and Dwight Schrute Rap with Young Weezy and Lil’ Wayne

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

Congressional Hearing Goes Awry

U.S. To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com

Readers who liked this also enjoyed these posts:

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

SNL: US-China Relations

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

US to Trade Gold Reserves for Cash Through Cash4Gold.com

Readers who liked this also enjoyed these posts:

China to US: Is That a Hedge or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

US-China Relations: Getting Beyond Political Rhetoric

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

SNL: US-China Relations

Well, I’ve got news for you: there is a very simple explanation for the miraculous recovery we’ve seen and will continue to see for a long, long time — and said explanation is comprised of only two wonderful, heroic words: Brett Favre.

You see, the stock market bottomed on March 9, which was about the time “coming out of retirement” rumblings started seeping out of the crap-hole where Brett Favre called home (somewhere in Mississippi). Brett’s agonizing decision captured hearts and minds across the country.

What? Unemployment is exploding? Iran might have nukes? H1N1 might kill everyone? How can I be expected to focus on any of that jibber jabber when Brett Favre might be coming to play for the Vikings?

The 3rd quarter started on July 1 and ended on September 30. During that time, the market rose by over 20%. Well, not coincidentaly, also during that time Brett Favre signed a contract, suited up, and played in a couple games for the Vikings.

If you think these events are unrelated, why don’t you go slug down a bottle of whiskey in Nouriel Roubini’s dungeon and try to predict the next crash? Now that I think of it, if you do that, can I go with? Roubini has to be a dud to party with, but who doesn’t love hammering down cheap whiskey in a dark basement?

About a week ago my chronically aching back started feeling good again, the groundhog that was destroying my landscaping moved to the neighbor’s yard, and I found a box of 15-year old porn from college in my basement. That was Brett Favre working more miracles.

Do you know what Brett Favre does when he’s not playing football? He sits in his lawn wearing his Wrangler jeans and no shirt while holding onto a really long rope that keeps the Earth in its present orbit. Who takes over on Sundays? I don’t know, because whoever it is, it is not Brett Favre so I do not care.

This brings me to my predictions: What about the 4th quarter? Well, you’ve seen Brett Favre in the 4th quarter this year, right? What do YOU think is going to happen? When will the next market crash be? It will happen when Brett Favre decides it will happen, and not one minute before or after. Believe it.

Readers who liked this also enjoyed these posts:

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

I Short Sold My Neighbor’s House

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

The Real Reason Behind the Market Rally

Readers who liked this also enjoyed these posts:

General Motors: Truth in Advertising Campaign

I Short Sold My Neighbor’s House

StocksConsumer GoodsFTMDAIHMC

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

That modern cave has been on the market for several months and we’re about to head into the seasonal slow period. I’ve seen some glossy graphs and charts in the local paper showing prices should dip at least 5% in the winter.

I quickly walked outside to get the real estate agent’s number off the For Sale sign. I’ve passed it a trillion times, but I have a neurological-type popup blocker protecting me from anything with Glamor Shots and a sales pitch.

After some extremely brief haggling (i.e., the agent asked for a high price, and I said, “No.” The agent came down 10%, and I said, “No.” Etc.), we arrived at what I considered a great deal. As a sweetener, I even told her to forgo any improvements or an inspection. I am short-selling this house …

So, to make a short story shorter, the agent created a legal agreement with me by which I borrowed the house to sell now, I could buy it back for less in the winter, and then return it to the current “owners” (such a frail term).

Sure, there were issues about who would occupy the house and when, what if I can’t buy back the house later, am I artificially driving down the market if I am selling something I do not “own”, etc. But the agent and I consider those pesky deal-breakers only lawyers would get neurotic about. Besides, if this financial scheme works with stocks, why not houses? This is America. It’s a free country.

So, if you are up this way sometime between Christmas and late February, give me a call. I have a risk-free investment you might be interested in seeing …

Need some more laughs before the weekend? Try these posts:

The Cramer-Roubini X-treme Index

General Motors: Truth in Advertising Campaign

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

I Short Sold My Neighbor’s House

Wall St. Cheat Sheet is proud to introduce our first proprietary index: The Cramer-Roubini X-treme Index. After toiling with quantum proofs and a stack of “For Dummies” books for years in the basement of Duke University’s Lilly Library, we have finally produced the perfect blend of Doom and Boom suffused with a subtle hint of X-Games adrenaline.

Unlike the VIX or other sentiment indexes which somehow fell into the shit pit during the Great Markets (Housing, Stocks, Credit, Oil, etc.) Crashes of 2008, The Cramer-Roubini X-treme Index held up like a Viagra induced E! party on The Girls Next Door. That’s right. While those old bags Dow and Jones couldn’t tell you what the hell was happening, our needle jolted from Cramer to Roubini faster than food passes through an American tourist who just ate a spoiled egg in Thailand.

By now you’re probably scratching your head trying to reverse engineer our black box indicator (which, by the way, is available to institutional and accredited investors for annual licensing at the bargain price of the US National Debt divided by 100). Don’t give yourself the mathematician’s cold sweats or the Bible Code mystic’s shiver. If you’re not an institutional investor or don’t qualify as an accredited investor, please read on (if you are one of the aforementioned investors, please pay now) …

The secret to our indicator is its lack of cutting-edge technology. We employ a Luddite style system where a handful of college interns sit in front of 52″ flat screens 24 hours a day, 7 days a week watching CNBC, Bloomberg, and FOX Business. Each time an unpaid viewer sees either Cramer or Roubini, he or she registers the viewing by clicking a baseball umpire’s out counter. We know it only goes to three, but we’ve hired some cum laude quality interns to do the higher math on paper from our recycling bin.

At the end of each session, we tally the Cramer and Roubini sightings on a huge chalkboard. Whoever has the most appearances on the three networks plus comments as “experts” in major print media outlets (which are monitored overseas, but that’s a story for another article), that person becomes what Billboard would call our Top Pop Hit.

Once we have a clear shepherd of the times, we can then determine whether we are in a bull or bear market. Moreover, we can monitor extremes of fear and greed as either Cramer or Roubini will slip outside the smokey corridors of Wall Street and end up at places like the Today Show, MySpace’s Most Popular Playa’ List, or even the White House.

So, there you have it. No longer must you waste time hearing Cramer call a bottom in housing or stocks every time the markets decline 5%. And the days are gone when you are forced to spend years watching your friends get rich while your self-proclaimed prophet Roubini tells you the end is near. Simply purchase an umpire’s counter at Dick’s, hit your couch, open a bag of your favorite chips, and start clicking your way to riches …

Stay tuned for updates to our Cramer-Roubini X-treme Index — we are rigorously backtesting whether public feuds between the two men indicate a sideways market.

If you are interested in real-time market analysis, click here to follow Wall St. Cheat Sheet on Twitter.

Silly for more satire? Try these posts:

John Stewart: Dykstra Got the Sign to Steal

AIG: Writing Stories About People Who Play “It” Safe

General Motors: Truth in Advertising Campaign

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

The Cramer-Roubini X-treme Index

• Self-proclaimed entertainer and Starbucks junkie Jim Cramer will be encouraged to take a deal as the replacement for infomercial legend Billy Mays. The popular Mad Money slot will be replaced with a new show called, Thoughtful Investing. The show will be hosted by Minyanville CEO Todd Harrison.
• Permabull and free-market extremist Larry Kudlow has been traded to FOX for a few unnamed fourth-round draft picks. He will be replaced by economic realist Barry Ritholtz. Ritholtz is the CEO and Chief-Strategist of FusionIQ as well as the sober voice behind the most popular single-author finance blog The Big Picture.
• Argumentum ad hominem debater Dennis Kneale will lose his nearly unwatched WWE-style shout fest with bloggers. Six-Sigma experts concluded Kneale’s audience was 90% bloggers, which makes the show more of a televised online chatroom than anything remotely resembling financial media. The Six-Sigma folks also spent 2.3 minutes determining that 0.000000000000001% of Kneale’s audience of bloggers actually converted to customers for CNBC advertisers in Kneale’s slot. Kneale will be replaced by up-and-coming CNN Money reporter Poppy Harlow who will host a show reporting on real issues unfolding within the economy.
• Squawk-Box farts Joe Kernen and Carl Quintanilla will jump from the sell-side to the buy-side as head publicists in the PR group at Charles Schwab.

Despite dropping an incredibly overdue nuclear bomb at the most-muted television station in the world, reporters David Faber and Maria Bartiromo will remain at CNBC. The two journalists will now be allowed to reach their potential like Lebron James did once the  Cleveland Cavaliers brought in a worthy supporting cast.

As with all stories at CNBC, this one is “Breaking-News” and like their website always notes, “(story developing).”

For those who did not read the category for this post, this is a satire.

If you are interested in real-time market analysis, click here to follow Wall St. Cheat Sheet on Twitter.

Silly for more satire? Try these posts:

John Stewart: Dykstra Got the Sign to Steal

AIG: Writing Stories About People Who Play “It” Safe

General Motors: Truth in Advertising Campaign

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

GE Says “Big Shakeup” Coming at CNBC

Prospectus Supplement to Prospectus dated August 19, 2009.

$30,000,000,000 *

(subject to arbitrary increase)

The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc.

in conjunction with

United States Treasury Department

is pleased to offer you the following

0% Subordinated HFT Participation Notes

in the

GSBS I (Goldman Sachs Bonus Securitization *)

*for legal reasons, Goldman Sachs Group will not use the word “Trust” to describe this entity

The 0% Subordinated HFT Participation Notes represent a securitization of forward-looking executive-retention payments, payable to Goldman Sachs employees. The Notes will pay interest in the form of negative-accrual on the notes on August 19 and February 19 of each year. The first such negative-accrual will be made on February 19, 2010. The Notes WILL NOT be guaranteed by Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. or any of its affiliates. The HFT Notes will be collateralized by proceeds from the bond and an indirect guarantee from the United States Treasury. Both the GSBS I collateral and Treasury Guarantee are for the sole benefit of the Goldman Sachs Group Inc. executive retention program, not holders of the HFT Notes. In the event that GSBS I collateral is not sufficient to meet the “2010 Bonus Payment Amount”, the United States Treasury has provided a full and unconditional guarantee for any shortfall in payment amount.

At the earlier of the scheduled maturity date (December 31, 2010) or the “Bonus Payment Date”, all principal outstanding for the HFT Notes will be extinguished. At the maturity, all collateral in the GSBS I entity will be paid out to executives, which will result in zero recovery value for the HFT Notes. In exchange for the participating in this HFT Note transaction, participating holders will be “exempted” from front-running by Goldman Sachs Group Inc. proprietary and high-frequency trading activities. Such exemption period will last until the “Bonus Payment Date”, at which point Holders of the HFT Notes will be subject to front-running, dark-pools, scalping, and other trading actions that Goldman Sachs Group Inc., in its sole discretion, deems appropriate. If Goldman Sachs becomes obligated to pay additional amounts to non-U.S. investors due to changes in U.S. withholding tax requirements, Goldman Sachs may redeem the notes before their stated maturity at a price equal to 100% of the principal amount redeemed plus accrued interest to the redemption date.

Neither the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission nor any other regulatory body has approved or disapproved of these securities or passed upon the accuracy or adequacy of this prospectus. Any representation to the contrary is a criminal offense. If such criminal offense is committed by a Goldman Sachs employee, it will not be prosecuted.

Initial public offering price 99.858 % $ 29,957,400,000

Underwriting discount 0.450 % $ 135,000,000

Proceeds, before expenses, to Goldman Sachs 99.408 % $ 29,822,400,000

Proceeds to Goldman Sachs executives 99.408 % $ 29,822,400,000

Goldman Sachs may use this prospectus supplement and the accompanying prospectus in the initial sale of the notes. In addition, Goldman, Sachs & Co. or any other affiliate of Goldman Sachs may use this prospectus supplement and the accompanying prospectus in a market-making transaction in the notes after their initial sale, and unless they inform the purchaser otherwise in the confirmation of sale, this prospectus supplement and accompanying prospectus is being used by them in a market-making transaction.

Goldman, Sachs & Co.

United States Government

Disclaimer:

Any resemblance to bonds or securitization pools, actual or imaginary, positive or negative-accrual, issued by Goldman Sachs or The United States Government, is purely coincidental. No puppies were hammered to death in the preparation of this lampoon.

                          

Post from: Wall St. Cheat Sheet

An Artist’s Impression Of A Goldman Sachs Bonus Securitization Offering