Many people are astonished that the stock markets have continued to climb in spite of a plethora of insurmountable roadblocks. One can get dizzy just naming all the obstacles in the way of a recovery: personal debt, government debt, Dollar collapse, Iran’s nukes, global warming, the lack of a terrible Nick Cage movie in theaters, and so on. There seems to be no explanation for the meteoric rise we have witnessed in our 401(k) accounts, other than “the market is unpredictable.”

Well, I’ve got news for you: there is a very simple explanation for the miraculous recovery we’ve seen and will continue to see for a long, long time — and said explanation is comprised of only two wonderful, heroic words: Brett Favre.

You see, the stock market bottomed on March 9, which was about the time “coming out of retirement” rumblings started seeping out of the crap-hole where Brett Favre called home (somewhere in Mississippi). Brett’s agonizing decision captured hearts and minds across the country.

What? Unemployment is exploding? Iran might have nukes? H1N1 might kill everyone? How can I be expected to focus on any of that jibber jabber when Brett Favre might be coming to play for the Vikings?

The 3rd quarter started on July 1 and ended on September 30. During that time, the market rose by over 20%. Well, not coincidentaly, also during that time Brett Favre signed a contract, suited up, and played in a couple games for the Vikings.

If you think these events are unrelated, why don’t you go slug down a bottle of whiskey in Nouriel Roubini’s dungeon and try to predict the next crash? Now that I think of it, if you do that, can I go with? Roubini has to be a dud to party with, but who doesn’t love hammering down cheap whiskey in a dark basement?

About a week ago my chronically aching back started feeling good again, the groundhog that was destroying my landscaping moved to the neighbor’s yard, and I found a box of 15-year old porn from college in my basement. That was Brett Favre working more miracles.

Do you know what Brett Favre does when he’s not playing football? He sits in his lawn wearing his Wrangler jeans and no shirt while holding onto a really long rope that keeps the Earth in its present orbit. Who takes over on Sundays? I don’t know, because whoever it is, it is not Brett Favre so I do not care.

This brings me to my predictions: What about the 4th quarter? Well, you’ve seen Brett Favre in the 4th quarter this year, right? What do YOU think is going to happen? When will the next market crash be? It will happen when Brett Favre decides it will happen, and not one minute before or after. Believe it.

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